im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
