wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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