Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
