my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize