you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
