I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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