my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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