we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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