My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
