New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
