i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
