all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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