As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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