waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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