Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
