Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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