I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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