SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
