You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
