I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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