I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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