Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
