why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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