Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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