Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
