The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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