I got chris browned last night
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
