Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I touched a dick in church today
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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