We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
