he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
