So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
