dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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