Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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