He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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