My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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