Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
