I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
