Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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