I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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