I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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