You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
