I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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