hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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