she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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