Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
no you cant smoke seaweed
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
