did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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