All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
