Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
