I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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