she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
