There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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