True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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