wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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