dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
