ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
