you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
