Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
