Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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