I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
