please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
